Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind
by Vivian Street
Summary: Kirk gets abducted by little green men.


AN: Some ridiculousness, that is all.

/AN

Close Encounters of the Fourth Kind

Kirk woke sluggishly to knocking at his door. Even in his barely-awake state, he could tell by the even rhythm of the knocks that it was his first officer, probably come to retrieve him because he'd overslept. Even the bolt of adrenaline at that thought (_damn, did I sleep through something important?_) could not completely clear away the feeling of heaviness his body had acquired.

He shambled out of bed and unlocked the door. It whooshed open, revealing his crisp and well-pressed science officer.

Kirk leaned a bit on the doorway.

"I see that your night of revelry has reached its ultimate, and inevitable, conclusion." Spock said, sounding more amused and haughty than anything else. "You are 31.59 minutes late for your shift."

"There was no revelry. Revelry was postponed on account of rain." It was, technically, true. Well, sort of.

"Setting off the fire suppression system in Lounge A does not count as 'rain.' The liquid the sprinklers emit is a non-toxic, fairly complex—"

"Yeah, yeah. But no revelry. Revelry was scheduled for after s'mores."

"I still fail to understand why Lt. Commander Scott felt the need to attempt reprogramming a replicator to produce burnt cylinders of sucrose."

"It's not like we were able to make a camp fire in the lounge!" Kirk protested.

"I rather think the result would have been the same, would it not? And if you had gone that route, the A Lounge would still be in possession of a replicator, as opposed to the burnt husk which remains."

Kirk was silent for a moment, then sighed. "I'll go get dressed for work now."

"Yes. That would be agreeable." Spock nodded and left.

XXXXXX

Kirk didn't sleep through his alarm for the next couple alpha shifts, but he did feel inexplicably tired. And he'd been having some very trippy dreams.

"I agree that we should rule revelry out as the cause of your lethargy." Spock said, sliding into the seat across from Kirk. He clutched a tray of food, and Kirk, looking up from where he'd been resting his head in his arms, realized that some if it looked surprisingly Terran. This was explained when Spock removed those dishes from his tray and pushed them across the table at Kirk.

Krik groaned and lowered his head back down. He wasn't sure he had the energy necessary for food.

"Captain, you do not look well. Have you been to sickbay? You should seek medical help."

Kirk lifted his head a bit. "I don't need medical help. Well, not that kind. Spock, I've been having these _weird_ dreams. Like, I swear, it's like every night I'm abducted by aliens!"

This got an eyebrow, and Kirk rolled his eyes. "No, not like aliens-aliens. Humans—I dunno if you've heard, but we can be kinda crazy—some of them claim that they've been abducted by aliens. This started even before we actually knew you guys were out there. There'd be mysterious floating lights, medical examinations, little green men…there's no reason I should be dreaming of that crap, but it's there. And I'm sooo sleepy." Kirk yawned and put his head back down.

"Captain, I highly doubt that the Orions on this ship would take well to being called either 'little' or 'men.' Also, I do not see why they would be 'abducting' you."

Kirk, head still lowered, make an uncomplimentary gesture in Spock's direction.

XXXXXX

After another night of, if how he felt was any indication, little to no sleep, Kirk relented and took himself to the medbay.

"I will not give you sleeping pills, kid. What you need is _natural_ sleep. I don't want you to become dependent on them. Try clearing your mind before you try to sleep. Relax. If you don't fall asleep quickly, don't give up and stay up all night watching science fiction dramas from the 21st century. And no, before you ask, I will not say 'Trust me, I'm the Doctor'."

Kirk reluctantly realized that no one was going to believe that he was honestly _really_ going to sleep at the proper, doctor-prescribed hour. He supposed that it was his own fault. He'd cultivated a bit of a reputation for irresponsibility, but also of being able to handle the effects thereof. Apparently, now no one was able to believe that this lack-of-sleep thing was completely out of his control. Well, he'd show them.

"Computer," he mumbled to the terminal in his room, "switch on security camera. Give access to Commander Spock and CMO McCoy."

XXXXXX

He was shaken awake.

"What the hell kind of stunt was that?" McCoy asked. Kirk ineffectually batted at the doctor's hands until the man let go.

"Stunt?" He asked, disoriented. For some reason, he hadn't expected to wake up in his bed.

"Yes, stunt. Alien abduction, my ass. Who's your confederate? I'd say Scotty, but after the mess he made of that replicator I think even you'd hesitate to ask him to transport you somewhere with whatever bootleg machine he's rigged up. Chekov? Hmm…maybe not. He seems like he'd break under pressure. How about…." He trailed off, seeing the bemused look on his captain's face. "_Please_ don't tell me you've got Spock in on this."

"In on what?" Kirk asked, looking around his room, expecting to see _brushed aluminum walls, darkness punctuated by swirling green lights, straps securing his arms and legs…_he shuddered.

McCoy was suddenly leaning over him, solicitous. "Look, ok, I guess none of that matters, now. C'mon, let's get you to sickbay. I'll give you a proper checkup and we can figure out the rest, later."

XXXXXX

Kirk snoozed in sickbay while McCoy and Spock held a hushed conference nearby. When he woke up, they rushed over to his bed.

"Captain, I will ask you this once, and once only. Did you have anything to do with the conception, planning, or execution of this…abduction?" Spock asked, voice low.

"No, already!" Kirk snapped. Even he couldn't deal with this much sleep deprivation.

"Ok, ok." McCoy said, coming closer and laying a hand on Kirk's shoulder. "We believe you. Go back to sleep."

Kirk did, and slept for 14 glorious hours.

XXXXXX

When he woke again, it was to find a disgruntled-looking McCoy and an unusually blank Spock sitting by his bedside.

McCoy, leaning forward, poked Kirk in the shoulder and said, "Y'know what? Whatever else happens, I want you to know that this was _your_ fault."

Kirk blinked, and turned to look at Spock. The half-Vulcan sighed slightly, then raised an unfamiliar communicator to his mouth and said, "You can come down, now."

The lights—the lights from his dreams—appeared a few feet from his bed. They swirled and coalesced to form a little, green, stocky figure. "We come in peace." It said, raising its three-fingered hand in an awkward Vulcan salute.

Kirk found himself thinking very, very hard about hallucinations, and the detection thereof.

XXXXXX

The little green man was not a hallucination. In a way, though, he was a figment of Kirk's imagination.

"We wished to make contact with your species, but we did not know the proper way to do it. Our software identified you as the leader, and we scanned your personal information storage device to learn more about your culture. We viewed many of your ancient texts and identified one first-contact narrative as being the most wide-spread and deeply ingrained in your consciousnesses. Surprisingly enough, many already featured extraterrestrials which looked like us, which indicates that, perhaps, we have made contact with your species before. The use of drugs was distasteful, but the texts were clear. We tried to follow most of the details, you see, but apologize for not including the 'sexual liaison' part. In our culture, a sexual liaison is only permissible if we know the other being quite well and feel there is an emotional bond. Please do not look upon it as a judgment upon yourself." Kirk could hear some muffled sniggers coming from the direction of McCoy, and he decided that he hadn't had quite enough sleep to deal with this.

XXXXXX

A few shift rotations later, Kirk stood on the bridge and watched the saucer-shaped alien vessel putter away. They'd been armed with the official Federation first-contact protocols and directed toward a nearby starbase. It had taken a lot of persuasion on Spock's part to convince the base personnel that they really were to expect a flying saucer full of little green men to be stopping by.

McCoy walked up and clapped Kirk on the shoulder. "This'll teach you to watch those ancient-as-hell SF shows." He said triumphantly.

"On the contrary, Bones." Kirk replied lightly. "With any luck, the next ones'll show up in a TARDIS."


End file.
